Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Relationship Problems In NS Part 3: How To Deal With Rejections, In Style.

You’ve heard from the couple. Now the one million dollar question now is, what if, you can’t even get past the courting stage?

What if the lady you are after rejected your advances? Fret not, as the saying goes, without this tree you still have the entire forest. Ok, not a very good consolation. But let’s see how these seven tips can help you to deal with rejections, if and when they come. Ouch!

7 Tips On How To Deal With Rejections, In Style

1. Laugh it off. Really! Laughter is the best medicine, so just watch some silly movies and laugh your misery off. When you’ve laughed hard and long enough, strangely, those sour feelings will ebb before you even realize it. I know, it can be hard. But hey, what’s the harm in doing this?

2. Focus. On what? On anything and everything except her. Period.

3. Fantasize. I mean, stop fantasizing. Even though you may strongly believe that she’s the ONE for you, absolutely compatible with you, that’s only a one-sided affair. So the least you can do now is to stop fantasizing what would happen if she were to accept you. She didn’t, so wake up to reality.

4. Learn. Not just on why you were being rejected, but also on how you can do much better the next time round. Remember, different strokes different folks. In order for you to learn your lesson, you need to first know what type of girl she is and why is it that your style is not working on her. 

5. Youth. Well, you may not want to admit it, but it’s a cold hard fact that you are still extremely young, isn’t it? So youth is the biggest asset you can ever have, also one that you can readily tap on to recover from the hurt of the rejection. What does this mean? The world is your oyster, so start dating!

6. Read. Grab a book. That’s an area where I can find great solace in. As the old Chinese saying goes, you can find gold in a book, as you can find a beauty too… Jokes aside, you really can glean a few more gems, and maybe tips in dating and relationship. It also helps in allowing you to grow yourself better, as a person and potential lover while giving you better insights on the possible reasons that led to the rejection!

7. What if? Stop asking yourself the “what-if” questions that won’t get you anywhere. If you knew you had done what you could, did your best, then move on. Act like a man, and be a man. If you think you haven’t done your best (that’s when the “what-if” questions come in) then you already have the answer! 

You’ve realized that these seven tips consist of some to-dos and some NOT to-dos, as I’ve came to understand that at times, it’s not about what you can do, but also very much on what you shouldn’t and needn’t spend time thinking on and doing that can make this transition period a breeze or a pain. That’s why I name them as the seven tips to deal with rejection, in style.

That’s right, it is only but a transition period. It will end. You will get over it, and you will become stronger, more loving, and a better person at the end – in style.

After all, Bon Jon Jovi had said that success means falling down nine times, and getting up TEN!

Well, he ain’t any boring personal development guru but the ultimate superstar! So I guess any form of “generation gap” shouldn’t come into play here, right guys? *wink*

That’s what I have for you in part 3 of this series.

Friday, May 18, 2007

Relationship Problems In NS Part 2: Interview with a Successful Couple

As promised guys, I did an interview with this couple who went through the NS days and daze, survived, celebrated three years of anniversaries with more to come.

How did they do it? Why weren’t they caught up in those times of confusion and maybe frustration? Why didn’t they succumb to the easy route of breaking up and calling it quits?

What is their secret to stay in love?

I hope I’ve got the answers for you. Let’s hear what are their secrets… from the guy himself, and the gal too.

K stands for me “Kloudiia” while A stands for the guy and G stands for his girlfriend.

K: I understand that you and your girlfriend started dating a very short while before you enrolled into the army. How does this affect your relationship, since it is still in the beginning stage?

A: It actually turned out to be an advantage since we haven’t got used to being together all the time, it doesn’t matter that much when we don’t get to see each other often.

K: What do you do when you are tired out and she wants you to spend time with her?

A: I’ll do my best to stay up and chat with her over the phone or go out with her during my off days but I’ll still get my rest if I’m really tried. It takes understanding from her.

K: How often do you guys communicate? What is your main mode of communication?

A: Usually we would send each other SMSes a few times a day and a phone call every one or two days.

K: What are the main problems or issues between you two? How do you usually resolve them?

A: It’s usually the lack of support from my part as I am always unable to help her in times of need but I do my best to make up with more SMSes and longer calls.

K: Has there been any cold war before? If yes, how long did it last?

A: I didn’t remember any significant cold war before but she did ignore me once in a while… usually for a few days at most. There were never serious incidences.

K: Were you ever worried about losing her to other guys out there? If yes, how did you deal with such emotions then? Was she affected by your emotions?

A: To be honest, that has never been an issue. It’s a combination of confidence and trust both in both parties. In fact, the more worried you are, the more likely it will happen…. The Law of Attraction maybe? Haha…

K: What was the most memorable moment in your relationship?

A: I would probably consider the first 2 weeks when we first got together (just before I enrolled into the army) the most memorable. It was a mixture of feelings that made it special.

K: What are the top 3 secrets you can share with us on how you maintain this relationship?

A: Trust, Understanding and Accommodating. 

K: What do you believe about relationship in general? What about your own?

A: Relationship for me is about living with each other and sharing whatever that is in each other lives. Some say it’s a game but I treat it like it’s a part of my life. Although that would mean that sometimes I take it for granted and that is something that everyone should refrain from doing. Be grateful about everything.

That’s the man for you. Learnt anything from him? In a relationship we know it takes two to tango, so let’s hear from the girl now her side of the story.

K: How do you fill your life when your boyfriend wasn’t around with you most of the time?

G: I commit most of my time to my family, friends, studies, play and work. When you were having problems in your life, how did you handle them? Did it matter to you that he wasn’t around?

K: When you were having problems in your life, how did you handle them? Did it matter to you that he wasn’t around?

G: Talk to friends. It does sometimes matter when my boyfriend wasn’t always around when I needed him - there’s nothing I can do about it, but there’s always such things as SMSes and phone calls.

K: Did you feel like there is any sacrifice on your part? If yes, what are the common ones?

G: Time and 2 years of youth.

K: How did you feel when you were making those sacrifices?

G: I felt noble and I have more of an upper hand. HAHA (Boyfriend pays it back after he had ORD.)

K: Was there ever a time when you really felt very lonely, or needed him? How did you feel when he couldn’t be there for you?

G: Yes. Of course, I felt lost.

K: What was the most memorable moment in your relationship?

G: The hardship and emotional turmoil we endured together through his army life.

K: What are some advices you can give to the other girls whose boyfriends are serving their NS?

G: Be understanding, if you really love him. If not, don’t waste each other’s time.

K: What do you believe about relationship in general? What about your own?

G: Relationship works mutually. Both parties to be involved in the relationship.

Of course, the usual trust, believe, commitment, communication and compromises do play important roles. Interestingly, humour adds spice and lightheartedness to the relationship as well.

I believe it always takes 2 hands to clap.

That’s right. For a relationship to work, be lasting and loving, it needs concerted effort from both parties. Larger amounts of understanding and accommodation are necessary when he is serving NS.

So ladies, if you are reading this, more gentleness from your side will make him fall in love with you deeper.

You also notice that the beliefs you have about relationship do matter a lot a as well. 

Until the next episode… Stay tuned!

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Relationship Problems In NS Part 1: Reasons Why It Fail

I’ve done my research, did some thinking. And here’s what I’ve collated and gained.

Top 7 Reasons Why Relationships Fail When You Are In NS

1. No time

Time always seems to be the culprit in anything, do you agree? It’s too convenient to blame it on time as there is no line of defense. Well, the clock can’t jump on you, can it?

In this case, girlfriend will complain that boyfriend only has time to sleep and watch TV, but no time for her.

2. No energy

Guys, you can’t really blame your girlfriends can you? She’s at the age where energy knows no limits!

And she could be planning a host of activities she can do with you on your next date. Lots of fun, bantering and laughter is what she has expected.

What she didn’t expect to expect is – a yawn every two seconds plus drooping eyelids that can’t open for one more second.

3. Not there for her

Where were you when she most needed you? Like when she’s stressing over the deadline of her next assignment. When she’s having cramps due to the time of the month. When she got lost somewhere around Kallang Place for her job interview.

But when she knows that you aren’t to be blamed for not being around, (as your physical body has been “legally rented” to the government), she has to find a way to either direct that frustration of helplessness, or to find a permanent solution.

Breaking up looks promising, and tempting.

4. Where’s that voice?

She needs to talk. But, being strapped in the camp isolated from the outside world, she may find it hard for you to comprehend her excitement when she discovered a new place to hang out.

If only she knew how much fortunate she is now as compared to the girlfriends of yore, when mobile phones are non-existent and you can only send codes of love to each other through pagers.

Like: 121314, 12127412 ...

5. Insecurity

It’s not the gal! We’re talking about the man feeling insecure, as he is worried about her being wooed by other guys who have been let loose and are hunting for pretty, innocent girls. Your girlfriend seems to fit snuggly into that category.

You can’t sleep. So you make her feel the same by sending her smses asking her whereabouts every time you land your hand on your mobile phone.

She freaks out, and decides to take matter into her own hands before it gets blown out of proportion.

6. Not well-prepared

Though both of you knew about the impending date to book in, but when it becomes real, the loneliness seems too hard to bear.

She suddenly feels so lost, and really lonely.

7. Friends?

Who are the ones your girlfriend will be spending the most time with, besides her own family? Her friends!

Whatever she hears from them will either help you or harm you.

What you can do? Butter her friends up. No I’m kidding. But you can build up a good relationship with her friends as well so that, even when some misunderstandings may occur, there’s a very high chance that they’ll be backing you up and cooling your girlfriend down, while you are serving the nation. Isn’t this wonderful?

Well, you know as well as I do that there could be 101 reasons why you relationship never work out when you are serving NS. Though I’ve listed the top 7 reasons, but everyone may have a unique situation.

Let’s see what the man who successfully breezed through his relationship has got to say, in the next episode of this series as I interview him myself.

Till then…

Saturday, May 05, 2007

Relationship Problems In NS Series: Introduction

I didn’t do a formal survey to get the statistics. But, the responses to a question posed to some guys who have served their NS and to some who are still serving have given me an idea of the probability.

I think it has given me a good idea.

What am I talking about? I’m referring to the probability of a relationship surviving the NS period.

Yes, the responses, though not official, are a good indication that chances of breaking up are pretty high when the guy is serving the army full-time.

I’ve found some interesting facts from those nifty conversations, with much probing, nudging, persuading, seducing and even coercing from my side to extract bits and pieces of information from these guys, enough for me to digest, chew and regurgitate here for your benefit.

One of the facts that I’ve unearthed is it’s usually hard to keep the relationship alive when you are serving your NS, due to several factors. The fact that those who did beamed brightly at me, showing me the “V” sign only tells me that my gut instinct is right.

Am I surprised? Hardly. As it doesn’t deviate much from what it would have been 20 years ago.

And why is it so? Time, for one is a big ground for refusal to continue the courtship. Cheating seems to be prevalent during this critical period too.

So does this mean guys are going to swear to bachelorhood until they have completed NS? I doubt so. In fact, that’s almost mission impossible, as boy-girl relationship has been, is now, and will always be one of the most exciting parts of a young adult’s life.

More so when he is confined to the walls within a military camp with nothing but weapons and nobody except their buddies, and, erh, commanders or officers. Spending time with their girlfriends can be the only source of enjoyment that they can look forward to when they are booked out during weekends, or some week day nights out.

That means, there remains a problem to be solved. So, in the coming weeks, I’ll write about some of the most common reasons why break-ups happen and how you can avoid that. If you can’t, then what are the ways you can learn to handle it better so that it won’t affect you too negatively. 

And, I’m sure all of you will be very excited to know this. I’ll be interviewing a couple (I’ll see if I can find more who are willing to spill the beans) who has survived their relationship throughout the entire 2 ½ years while he was serving NS! Guess what? They are still going strong now. Envious? Well, envy thou shall not, but, be ready to hear from the horses’ mouth and learn from them thou shall!

Watch out for my next few posts, right here on this space.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Pre-Enlistment Blues?

Is there such a word, at all? Well, I’m not sure, but a quick Google showed some promising results! There is such a word after all!

I believe you guys have grumbled your share from the day you receive the notification to the eve of your enlistment into National Service. Some say, right all the way to the last day of their NS! Gosh! So this post is not for additional catharsis work.

Rather, having been there before, this is about the blues that your girlfriends experience the day you got called by our nation to the day you finally went in.

Wanna hear about it from the girls? Let’s shoot.

Top 10 Pre-Enlistment Blues Of A NS Man’s Girlfriend

1. She can no longer see you as and when she likes to, or need to. She now ranks below a much greater mission that is awaiting you to fulfill. And, the sad thing is, our Prime Minister doesn’t have time to entertain her emails too. Or sms…

2. She starts to imagine all the hardship you are about to endure, and uncontrollably, she begins to weep. Rather than being a sensitive new age boyfriend as you should be, you ask her to stop crying in public as you don’t want to be seen as bullying her!

3. She went on a crazy shopping spree to fill your bag up with all your favourite Ferraro Roche, panda cookies and biscuits. Only to find out you can’t bring them in, and your mom has prepared another bag with twice the amount of food. Oh, your mom added in the medication oil too. Axe brand. All of a sudden, she felt defeated…

4. She’s waiting for her chance to spend some quiet moments with you before you’re gone for three months straight. But she had to either share you with all your buddies, secondary school mates, primary school mates, JC mates, basketball/soccer teammates, family, or she won’t get to see you at all.

5. She already finds it hard to talk to you now, and her anxiety is building up when she foresees that it’ll be even harder for you to listen to her without dozing off after you sweat and toil away in the mud. Communication is mission impossible as it seems, nearly.

6. She wants you to have her photograph stuck to the door of your cabinet. Alas, she knew you would have chosen Jolin’s instead. Suddenly, she feels inferior, but nothing compared to the frustration welling up.

7. She’s worried that when your hair is all but gone, there’s nothing for her to play with. There goes the last bit of entertainment with you when your eyes are glued to the TV watching soccer on your day off, or playing computer games.

8. She’s heard of all the horror stories in camp, and she can’t bear to see you being sent to the “gallows” while she stood there watching, feeling helpless. But think as she may, she’s still hesitant to serve NS on your behalf, for fear of breaking those nicely manicured nails. The conflict is killing her.

9. She wants to cook a nice meal for you so that you will remember her fondly. But when she broke the egg for the 10th time, she began to get real frantic. Suddenly, she realized that things aren’t lost completely, as she had bought a dozen eggs. So she reached for the last two eggs standing…

10. Truly but sadly, she is counting down to the days when she will have her long-awaited new found freedom! Why is the government waiting so long to get you in?

Alright guys. Do take this with a pinch of salt. If you find it funny, drop me a note. If you don’t, take it as a feeble attempt to entertain you.

But truly, in all honesty, if you are preparing for enlistment, do take some time and pay attention to your girlfriend’s emotion. She could really be missing you so much already, while you are still lost in your own land of catching up with all your friends.

Good luck and well, all the best!

Monday, April 16, 2007

I’m Like That. So?

We are who we are. But is that it?

I’m sure you’ve been given feedback by people around you on certain traits they find in you that needs a bit of push and improvement. Actually, I’m being pretty kind here by saying feedback. I’m hesitant to use the word “criticised” though I know it will be a much better one to say that We are being criticised!

Have you heard of anything negative about you that was being said, either in front of your face or behind your back? I know I have. How did that feel? Well, it doesn’t take a genius to know that those feelings sucked!

We’re all humans. We like and hope to be praised, complimented and recognised for who we are, what we do and what we contribute to the company, to our family and friends, to the society, to the country and to the world.

So when we hear a comment about us that just doesn’t ring very nicely in our ears, we clam up. Our defensive shell automatically comes out and wraps us up, making us feel safe and secure from the attack that is coming at us.

So, in a defensive mode and tone, you respond to the person who criticised you with this “I’m like that. So?”

Now, I know the way we respond very much depends on how the person deliver his message. If he packaged it as form of feedback with a strong sense of encouragement and delivered in a positive tone, then chances of your defensive shield building up will be much lessened.

But we all know that not everyone knows how to apply the art of communication, especially in the area of giving feedback, don’t we?

So in the event that you weren’t so lucky to hear it from such a sweet person, how do you handle that criticism?

You say “I’m like that. So?”

Is there anything wrong by saying this? Technically speaking - no. But non-technically speaking, what do you think you’re missing out by responding in that manner?

If you ask me, I’ll tell you this - you’re missing out on one big opportunity to learn about yourself and most importantly, to discover more ways that will help you to become a better person!

The quality of your life depends on the quality of your reaction and response towards unfavourable situations, including unpleasant criticisms.

The next time such thing happens again, why not test out a different approach by asking yourself these questions:

Are we only capable of doing what we are doing now? Or can we learn to be more loving, more positive, more creative, more patient, better natured, calmer, happier or naughtier?

Can we strive to become smarter, wittier, more street-wise, prettier, more good-looking, fitter, slimmer or healthier?

Can we look forward to earn more money, to be a better negotiator, better trader, better investor or better business man?

Can we choose to be a better spouse, better boyfriend, better girlfriend, better partner or better lover?

I’m very sure most of you will be nodding your head while reading the above. Or you might even go further by saying “Yes” inside your head.

It’s easy to say “Yes” inside your head under the circumstance when you are feeling calm and normal. But I’m sure when you are being criticised, you will be feeling so angry, unjustified, unfair and frustrated to the extent that your veins may be threatening to burst anytime. Now, will you still say “Yes”, or will you secretly tell the person to go to hell?

I know, it’s hard to still open up and allow yourself to be exposed. 

But you know as well as I do that you don’t transform into a better person by just saying “Yes” mentally!

Can we learn, strive, look forward, choose to be better? We can. But does that mean we will? No, until and unless you take action.

Even if we learn how to be more loving, more positive or more creative by taking reading books, attending seminars or taking lessons?

No, you will only be informed.

Why can’t you change? Because it’s too painful, too uncomfortable, too much hassle, too costly or nearly impossible.

Or is it because you don’t want to change? You are resistant to change, which also means you are reluctant to be a better person?

Does change necessarily means better? Well, if the change is not ecological and beneficial, then why change?

But if the change is ecological and beneficial, then why don’t you change?

Thursday, April 05, 2007

10 Tips To Getting The Girl, When You Are Serving NS

I know, it can be hard. Especially when you finally laid eyes on this cutie pie and is feeling all excited over her and reeling in anticipation on how you can date her out, you have to report to camp by 2359 hours every Sunday night.

What a big spoilsport isn’t it! You have just begun dreaming of holding her soft tender hands walking down the long Orchard Road, sharing a cone of ice-cream after watching that oh-so-romantic movie “Music and Lyrics”.

Fret not. As a Love Coach, I have encountered several cases of NS men so anxious that the girl of their dreams will no longer be available the next time they get to book out of camp. Why not I give you 10 easy tips to get that sweet young thing, even when you are strapped in camp, physically?

10 Tips To Getting The Girl, When You Are Serving NS

1. Get her number.
Of course! What do you think you can do if you don’t even have her number? I mean mobile phone number, not hostel or home. Since you can’t wait at her lobby during weekdays, telephone is the only source of communication.

2. Be funny.
That’s right. Tickle her humour cells as much as you can. That will bring her much closer to you, even when physically you are far apart.

3. Give her a surprise delivery.
Who says you are can’t do that when the army has you all to them from Mondays to Fridays? Don’t you know there’s a resource call pre-order, or friends?

4. DIY!
DIY (Do-It-Yourself) works for girls of all ages. Especially when you are tied up for time, it makes the handicraft all the more precious. I once had a handmade card from my ex-boyfriend, which warmed my heart entirely. That warmth lasted for a long, long time. See the power of DIY?

5. Sing a song of sixpence…
MMS is so prevalent and affordable now. Why not flirt and send some funny cute faces with your heart-warming messages now? Secure your next date with her at the same time!

6. Flirt, like nobody’s business.
The best tool you can use is through SMS. Also, do not start chickening out when you date her that weekend.

7. Energise!
I know, you can be pretty lethargic when you book out on Saturday. In that case, go home and catch some forty winks, freshen up before you meet her. You want to be a bundle of joy around her, not a slumbering pig who has a bucketful load of complaints towards our nation’s army and 10 hours of sleep in credit.

8. Value added service.
Ask her if she needs any help on anything and offer it whenever you can. It shows how much you value her that you’re willing to do things for her when you could have catch up with your sleep instead.

9. Compliments.
Forget that exaggerated highly buttered-up flattery. Go for sincere, short and sweet compliments whenever you see her. 

10. If you miss her… tell her!
If she is fond of you too, then she will enjoy this sweet feeling knowing some guy out there is thinking of her, even while he is wiping his rifle and nodding away at the same time.

11. It’s not just you.
Thought I’d add in one more. Not exactly a tip, but it’s more of a word of advice for you guys. If you are worried that you are losing out in the competition for the same girl, I don’t think there is a need for excessive worry. Chances are the other guys are serving NS as well, unless the girl has already started working and you find yourself up against those men in shirts and ties. In any case, if you allow yourself to be too desperate, that girl will know, and trust me, you don’t want to look that desperate in front of her. It makes you tense as well, when what you need to be is as relaxed and comfortable as you can around her. Dating should be fun, enjoy it! 

Friday, March 30, 2007

Are Singaporean Women Like This, Really?

There have been enough rumours going on about what Singaporean women want in their potential partners. Are these myths or facts?

Let’s look at them and you tell me at the end if you are still dying to meet, date, love and marry a true-blue Singapore girl, shall we?

1. Ticket to wealth

Come on, you know as well as I do that you find this type of girls everywhere in the world. Aren’t there an equal number of men who are after rich women’s wealth and fortune too?

So what makes our home-grown girls stand out, or stick out, then?

A woman looks for financial stability. But somewhere down the road, it has been either wrongly communicated to the men, or they had wrongly assumed that the women are only after riches.

In fact, what she wants is a man who is financially sound, debt-free preferably, and has a stable income or steady flow of revenue to sustain his own lifestyle.

If a man can’t even ensure his own stomach is filled, what sort of assurance is he giving to any potential partner to start a family?

Of course, a well-designed and executed financial plan that includes funds for starting a family, investment, retirement, further education etc makes him a much better candidate than one who is still living off his paycheque month to month.

Now, who doesn’t get attracted to men like that? As a guy, I’m certain even you will feel secure if you know your elder brother has made plans for you.

2. We aren’t iron-deficient!

When was the last time you saw a really gorgeous lady striding beside a man who, well, under the most lax standards of being average-looking, will at most score an “okay looking” grade?

Women, or rather certain breed of women may drool when faced with hunky biceps, triceps, quadriceps or all the available muscles in the world, coupled with a boyish grin and chiselled features.

But, admiration simply stops there! That’s right. Women merely admire men who spend half of their time in the gym working out to look that delicious.

What matters is not the six-pack abs. What matters is the clean smell of personal hygiene, the strong arms that hints of his reliability and the well-ironed Polo Tee he puts on that says he does bother to have something decent besides the working shirts and ties he is mandated to wear by his company’s policy.

We really would love to have a man who spots a slightly bulging tummy whom we can cuddle up to in our spare time, than to have a taut body whom we don’t get to see at all during weekends as he pumps iron, with, well, other men.  Or worse, other women! 

3. Minister of Education?

Sadly to say, there is only one person who holds this position in this little island of ours. That means, there is not enough to go around for half of Singapore’s population of women to find a mate!

Rather than saying women want to date a PhD holder, it will be fitter to say they enjoy the company of men who are knowledgeable and worldly.

A well-travelled, well-read and well-mannered man scores big time than one who is only well-studied and, that’s it!

The reason why the education level has been used to gauge a man’s eligibility is probably because, with all things constant, this is the easiest and fastest way to measure a man’s intelligence and upbringing.

A well-educated man can’t deviate too far from the assumption that he has some ideas on how to behave in a social situation, can analyse a problem faster, have a more acute understanding, better communication skills (though we know this is very much related to one’s personality and character) and has a higher probability of scoring a better career prospect.

If your education level is not as high as the lady, impress your date with what you have in your brains and your heart, not what you have stored in the certificate folder.

I’m sure these aren’t the only misconstrued and misunderstood facts about the Singapore women today. But those mentioned above top the list, so they come under the pen’s scrutiny first.

I may write more in the later articles to clear the air between our opposite genders. So guys, please stay tuned.

Meanwhile, you can start giving me your feedback on these points so that we can have a more meaningful and interactive column?

You want this to benefit you as much as you can, wouldn’t you? So, let’s have some fun knowing more of the opposite sex and demystify what LOVE really is!