Thursday, October 01, 2009

A Singaporean Trait?

Who would have guessed it? It wasn’t the day of Toto with its seductive $10 million prize. Neither was it a day of 4D. Then, why would the queue be so long?

The origin of the human chain revealed the answer. They were all in the line to exchange their EZ-link card. Yesterday was supposed to be the last day for the free exchange. But, as I had predicted pretty well, the deadline was extended by one more week.

Is one week enough? Well, I believe that there would still be that many people who would only do it at the eleventh hour come next Wednesday.

It seems like doing things at the last minute is no longer something common among youngsters, for I see uncles and aunties forming part of the body of this snaking queue.

Well, to give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they were there on behalf of their forgetful children.

Walking past this long queue suddenly gave me a sense of satisfaction that I had, very early on, finished this task, all thanks to my dad for changing it for me and my mum for nagging me to do it early.

My mum and I walked past the queue in the MRT station and she commented with a smirk: “Wait till last minute then change. Do it early and there’s no queue!” I cannot agree more. At the same time, my empathy goes to all those “last-minuters” because I’m so one of them, actually.

Isn’t it kind of reassuring to know that a big part of the nation is with me in this aspect? Procrastinating doing something that irks us, something that is not that important yet is ever so necessary.

My mum, of course, is singing a completely different tune than me and the thousands of those who are in the queue in the various MRT stations sprawled all over Singapore.

You see, my mum is someone who will always be earlier. If we’re supposed to leave home for an appointment at ten, she’ll be ready by nine-thirty. If the deadline for a project is one month, she’ll complete it within a week, if it so allows.

I’m quite the opposite. Well I love to finish something early, however I realise that I thrive on the adrenaline rush that I get at the eleventh hour – when I know that the deadline is no longer creeping up slowly but chasing after me like fire caught in my pants.

Our different character proves to be more conflict than harmony. So when she tells me she’s ready to go thirty minutes before the appointed time, I gently remind her that there’s still half an hour more to go. She’ll usually mumble a “better to be early than late” and I’ll reply with a “I don’t want to stand there and waste my time waiting for thirty minutes”.

But, amid these differences, life still continues to go on for us. In as much harmonic as we can possibly achieve.

A last bit of advice. Go and exchange your EZ-link card as soon as you can, for if you miss this extra week, then you really have no more excuse to give other than admit the fact that you’re simply too not bothered to do it.

Or you can just admit it: “I’m lazy.”

Thursday, September 24, 2009

An Army Husband’s Guide 1 – It’s That C

A relationship is like a dance - it takes two to tango. Finished the series for the army wife, I’m now stepping into the other dancer’s shoe – yes, the man – to continue the tango and make it complete. 

I remember vividly how the five Cs – Cash, Condominium, Car, Country Club membership, Career – has dominated the minds of single women hunting for eligible husbands about a dozen years back.

Slowly, the definition of these five Cs changed. It became more humanised with traits like companionship, caring and compatibility. Regardless of how they have evolved, one C remains to be crucial.

Guys, it is Communication. Are you thinking: Yes, I’ve guessed it!? The never-ending communication, communication and communication. Is that all women ever want?

It’s not all women ever wanted. It’s a necessary and essential ingredient to a successful relationship, like bullets are to your guns. Without them, you can’t fire. 

First, let me say that I understand talking to your wife for an hour after a long day is not something exciting to look forward to. Yes, it can even be emotionally draining at times.

I know.

The question is: Does your wife know?

She may, or may not. Especially when you had been gone for some time and she had been longing for your return. You can probably see the strained and lengthened veins in her neck.

In her mind, she’s probably playing the image of you returning home and having this big, passionate reunion with her. She’s preparing for the cosy up in bed at night, where you can hug and tell her how much you’ve missed her and she can finally pour out all the things she’s done in your absence.

She relishes in that thought and survives on that anticipation.

Then, you come home. Instead of that big, hot passionate reunion, all you want is some quiet space for yourself. You need time alone. 

She doesn’t understand why you’re behaving so oddly. In fact, she finds you slightly cold and strange. She thinks you no longer love her, or you don’t miss her at all.

The fact is, you probably missed her as hell when you were deployed. At the same time, you’re just not up to a long chat yet. Not yet. Your body may be at home, but your mind could still be hovering at the spot where people were grieving over the death of their family members in the big disaster that had struck their homeland.

Let her know how you feel, when you’re ready to speak about it. But, don’t take too long to be ready.

Less you begin to agonise over finding the right words and way to say what you need to, take heart to know that communication is not just about speaking. It is a tool to convey what you feel and need to your wife. Think out of the box – is there any other way you can let her know how you feel without saying everything?

How about playing some songs? Leaving a note? Or placing a certain item on the table to indicate your readiness to talk?

In the meanwhile, what is it that you can do to give her the sense of love while she waits for you to be ready? Can a hug do? Or a quick 5 minute run down for her first?

You and your wife can set up some common understanding among yourselves. The important thing is to be sensitive to the need for communication, and ensure that it is not broken.

What can you do to keep in touch with your family when you’re away? If a phone call is a luxury, can you send an SMS twice daily to begin and end each day? If technology is limited, can you write letters or postcard? Late news is always better than no news.

I cannot emphasise the importance of communication anymore harder than saying that without it, your marriage will more likely than not run into serious trouble. Therefore regardless of how tiring it can be for you, you cannot not communicate. It is the bridge for connection.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

A Penny For Our Relationship?

How many times have we secretly wished that we are the most popular guy or girl in class during school? Well, maybe not the most popular, but well-liked at least.

Acceptance is a “popular” value among many people. Don’t we hate the feeling to be ostracised by others? To be left alone while our peers huddle together in their tight inner circle, passing juicy titbits of gossips of people out of their clique. Many times you wonder if you were one of the subject topics among them.

In order to be accepted, we go to great lengths. We please. We butter up. We bow our heads and seek for approval. Ok, maybe not to that extent – our pride’s in the way! But you get the point. We’ll do what we need and have to so that we can belong to at least one clique. We don’t want to be left behind, always the last to know what’s happening (or not even knowing until the event has been filed in the archives!), and never having someone reserve a seat for us when we run slightly late for a lecture or tutorial.

Solitude is not designed for the human race. That’s why God created Eve for Adam. That’s why we live in a society. We bond with people. We create and maintain relationships. We have a family. We have friends. We interact with strangers.

This need to be accepted by others and to mingle well with our various groups of friends is with us as we grow up and become adults.

But wait! If solitude is not designed for us humans, then are we born with the talent to make friends, keep friendships and be, erh, popular?

I can see some heads shaking.

Yes, not all of us have this knack to make people laugh, to make ourselves appear to be so loveable that nobody can resist wanting to spend the rest of their lives spinning around us.

So what happens then? How do we find friends?

Here, I’d say sorry pal, you have to learn to make friends. There are books out there for you to pick up a tip or two to crack jokes that do make people laugh, remember people’s names and to give a genuine compliment when needed.

But if you were lucky enough to be in Japan, then I say you have the easiest way out! All you need to do is to rent a friend! If you need a bestman or maid-of-honour for your wedding, don’t fret over the fact that your closest friend is the teddy bear in your closet. Nobody needs to know that you don’t have any close friends really.

Rent one! And this person will be able to deliver the most touching wedding speech that’ll guarantee to make your guests shed a bowlful tears, if you add a couple of hundred to the bill.

These agents for rent do not limit their roles to just the next-most-important-person, beside the bride and groom, in a wedding. They can be anything and everything you want. Apparently, as mentioned in this news article in today’s TODAY, you can rent a boss and even a father. Yes, a father. DNA can be transferred through air, don’t you know?

Though very amused, I’m more saddened by such a trend that has been invading Japan since eight years ago.

It leaves with me a big question hanging in the air: What is relationship worth?

If it can be bought with money, what is the message we are sending? 

Is using money to resolve this problem the solution, or the beginning of a host of other problems? 

In my opinion, renting an agent to play a role that is not true in real life is cheating. And here is the point – we can cheat the whole world, but can we really cheat ourselves?

Are we able to go to sleep in peace knowing that the best man who delivered the best speech in our wedding said what he said because of the money we stashed in his pocket?

Are we able to face our parents with no guilt at night when just hours before during the day, we had been calling someone else “Dad”?

What is the extent we will go to save our own skin? Is this price worth paying?

At the end of the day, who are we kidding? 

Friday, September 18, 2009

Loss of Honesty

I had lost my mobile on three occasions: pick-pocketed twice and carelessly left it in the toilet of a very small pub once.

In all the three times, I discovered the loss very quickly – within five minutes of it being gone. Equally swift was the pair of hands that landed on my prized possession at the other end.

The dreadful message announcing the phone has been switched off when I called myself means I have received the death sentence for my mobile. It is gone forever from me. 

One can easily imagine the phone is either going to change hands pretty soon at a tidy profit for the seller or will be used by this same dishonest guy who picked up someone else’s property and claimed it to be his or hers.

I was bitterly reminded of this distasteful behaviour when my friend lost her mobile in a taxi in Hong Kong. She was distraught. Sure her mobile was old and due for a change anyway, but the data that was contained in that little memory card was priceless!

She had all her contacts, SMSes (don’t we all have some very precious ones to keep?), photos, notes etc that she relied upon. Then there were those photos taken during her gown-fitting – the joy and anticipation of seeing her bridal gown being completed in stages, to see it nipped a little here tucked a little there to reveal a radiant bride in her gorgeous gown eventually.

Yes, this bride-to-be was close to tears when she dashed out from the taxi and into the building to escape from the heavy rain, hence not noticing that her mobile had, together with the taxi, sped away.

I really shudder to know that such behaviour has become common in our societies now. Since when has the spirit of “finder’s keepers” blinded us? Where is the good ole honesty that we learnt when we were young?

I remember my primary school teaching telling us that if we were to pick up a wallet on the road, we should do our best to return it to the owner. Otherwise, we should bring it to the nearest police station and leave it there. It’s about being honest, she said.

Yet, such valued honesty in the past is easily passed of as “stupidity” now.

“Don’t be stupid la. Of course you don’t return la!”

“You can sell it for a profit what. Then you can use the money to buy a better handphone!”

I can almost hear those words being spoken to me and images of these dishonest people dancing greedily around as they pop up in my mind now. I am saddened. 

Mobile phones have weaved their way very intimately into our lives now. Many of us can’t live without one. Yes, I sleep with mine beside me as it’s responsible for waking me up and provides me with some soothing solace on nights that I crave for some nice music.

And more often than not, it is usually our camera phone that captures those exquisite and spontaneous moments which would have been missed if not for this phone being constantly with us as and when we need it.

Writers like myself use our phones to take down lines and lines of text when a wave of inspiration flows in.

A mobile phone is no longer just a phone. It has become part of our lives – especially for those using smart phones.

Can you imagine a part of your life being ripped away from you? How would that feel?

I’ve been through it three times. I know how that feels. To sum up in one word – lousy. No, should be very, very lousy. The heartache will be one that lingers on even after we got a shining new phone. Some things are simply irreplaceable.

I’ve always subscribed to a principle in life: Do not do unto others what you don’t want others to do unto you.

Please return the mobile to the poor soul who owns it the next time you pick up one. He or she will be eternally grateful.

Last but not least, can we bring the good ole’ honesty back into our society? Can I be hopeful that we can? 

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Life’s Dramas

I didn’t plan to watch it. In fact, I had resolved not to watch it because it’s 1) probably too long and 2) going to upset me.

But on those few nights when I watched it with my mother, I realised that it might be a drama worth following after all.

Why?

Because it’s a vivid portrayal of life.

Heart of Greed, the Hong Kong mega TV drama showing now on Channel 8 depicts life as it truly is. Revolving around a rich family, this drama tells a riveting tale of how being rich is a boon, while having a heart of greed turns all the wealth into a bane. 

I found many values and human elements depicted in this show – kinship, friendship, ethics, morals, integrity, honesty, love, understanding, magnanimity, forgiveness, repentance, peace, harmony, trust, support, betrayal etc.

All of these shape who we are as a person. They define our character and they affect the way we interact with others.

Every character in the show has their own strength and weakness. The relationship between one another holds much dynamics, and to a relationship coach like me, it is extremely interesting.

Many of us have always taken our family members for granted. We assume that just because blood is thicker than water, all will be well and fine in the family. Little do we realise that harmony is not a given, but a continuous pursuit. It is the result of a never-say-die attitude and willingness to make constant effort in bringing everyone together.

In every family, there’s usually a central figure gelling everyone together. This person mediates when misunderstands occur (as we know there will surely be), organises outings and brings out the good in all of us.

Maintaining the harmony in a family and keeping it close-knitted is, in my opinion, one of the most challenging things to do in the world. You need plenty and plenty of love, tolerance and faith to accomplish this task.

Trust is not a given too, as many of us wrongly assumed to be. Haven’t we seen families being torn apart because of mistrust among the members? 

As we move into a society that dictates success based on wealth, money is no longer something that brings food to the table and keeps us alive. It represents a lot more – power, status and freedom.

And it is precisely because of what money can bring us that leads people into the wrong path. Money should be a tool for us to bring more love, happiness, joy, peace and warmth to ourselves and our loved ones. Money is never the end goal, but a means to our goals.

If it is a cause for pain, heartache and quarrels, then whatever benefits it can bring materially will never measure up to the loss of love and breaking up of a family.

Strong family values need to be planted since young - let them grow root and flourish as we age. This isn’t easy because there are too many outside factors that can easily blow us into the wrong direction. And each one of us grows up being influenced by various factors separately.

It is therefore essential to keep everyone reminded of these values that we hold dear in our hearts. Not easy, but can be done.

I’m eager to see how the family will become when the central figure is now gone. Heart of Greed, you have me tuned in. 

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

An Army Wife’s Guide 6 - The Woman’s Soul

I decided to add one more article to this series after giving it some thought.

I’ve talked about how you can be the wife to your soldier, the mother to your children and the pillar in your family. But I’ve forgotten an important element – the soul that makes you who you are!

Therefore, I’m dedicating this entire post solely for you. Yes, you, the good army wife, dutiful mother and unwavering pillar of strength, support and hope in the family.

You deserve the best in your life, really.

Let’s look at these 5 tips to keep you lively and lovely while your soldier is away from home.

1.  You are what you eat

Well, well. Haven’t we seen this slogan scrawled everywhere? And it’s everywhere simply because it’s true!

You are what you eat, physically. Eat well, and you will live well.

It helps to boost your energy level which makes you feel younger physically. It makes your skin glow when you take in good nutrients.

Overall, there’s too much to gain by eating well and healthy!

And, it’s really simple to do. 

2. Flirt with your hobby

I’m sure you have a hobby or interest. It can be singing, drawing, knitting, taking strolls, taking photos, shopping or any activities that allow you to be fully engaged when you’re doing it.

Such activities help to integrate all your senses and emotions and make you relax and rejuvenated. If it involves a project, it also gives you an immense sense of satisfaction when you’ve completed it.

This helps to keep you rooted to being who you are as a person, not a wife or mother. 

3. Pampering you

What can you do to feel that you’re in heaven? The kind of pure bliss that makes you feel lighter than air, as if you’re floating around joyfully and totally carefree? 

If going to spas and having a massage is the recipe for you to feel pampered, then go for it.

If not, find some other ways that make you feel that you’re living life the fullest. For me, it’s to be free of all things on my mind and read a good book with my favourite music on. It’s pure bliss!

The key here is to find out what it is that will make you feel pampered. It doesn’t have to come with a hefty price tag, if that’s what’s bothering you.

It just needs to feel good, really, really good for no good reason.

4. Calming

Waiting for your husband to come home from a deployment can be tough. There’s probably lots of anxiety and worries. You may even feel frustrated at times and wonder why do you have to go through all these jittery? Why is your husband leaving you all alone to take on the entire family’s affairs on your shoulders?

Watch out when you are feeling dispirited. Do not let such negative feelings spiral into something bigger and overwhelm you. Catch it while it’s just coming out, and nip them in the bud. Chase them away from your mind.

Then, calm yourself down. If drinking a cup of hot tea helps (known to work for many), then make yourself one. Some other foods known to calm one’s nerves include oranges (it’s the Vitamin C ladies), avocado and yes, dark chocolates. Oats seem to enhance the serotonin-producing abilities in our bodies, so it’s good to take muesli bars or oat porridge. Serotonin is the chemical that helps to release stress and give women a feeling of bliss.

Everyone will have their own way to calm their spirits and nerves. Find out what works best for you and do it. You may create a list of these workable solutions with you all the time. When the anxiety and frustration suddenly attacks, you know you’re always ready to handle them. 

5. Last but not least, be yourself

Don’t be afraid to be yourself. If you see a need to spend time alone, then say no to things or people that want your attention.

Don’t give yourself too much pressure. It’s okay if you make mistakes. It’s okay if the house isn’t as tidy as you would like to. It’s okay that your life is not perfect. It doesn’t have to be. All you need to know is to recognise that you have been doing your best, and you deserve to enjoy life as much as everyone else.

Even when you think that there is simply no time left for you to pay attention to yourself, do it. It is especially during such times that you have to start loving yourself. Do not see it as being lazy or shirking responsibility. See it as a form of recharge that is ever so necessary in order for you to bounce back brimming with more energy and zest!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

An Army Wife’s Guide 5 – A Motherly Father?

We’ve come to the last post in this series for the army’s wife.

In the previous posts, I’ve focused on the relationship between the husband and wife. This relationship forms the bedrock of a marriage, and hence, has to be given utmost priority over anything else.

Now, let’s switch our centre of discussion to the ones bordering around the couple -their offspring.

As an army wife, when your husband is away again for an extended period, your role as a mother becomes more critical, and extended. Suddenly, you are now both a mother, a father (when necessary) and the bridge between your child and their father. Guess what? It’s a role that you have to take up, prepared or not regardless. 

I’ve listed down three ways that would help to close this physical gap between father and child. Hope it helps!

1. In our sight, in our minds

Out of sight, out of mind! Therefore, it’s vital that your children can see their father every moment in the days when Daddy is not at home.

How do we do that? Simple. Shoot a video.

No, shoot as many videos as possible when your husband is around.

Video him in as many activities as possible. He can be pouring a glass of water, watching TV on the sofa, playing with the children or just giving you a kiss on the cheek.

Play this video to your children regularly. When they see their father in action, they can link it to the daily activities in which they engage in themselves. Hence, a virtual connection is established and maintained on a continuous basis.

Of course, if you can shoot videos, what’s stopping you from taking photos and blowing them up to place in every corner of the house?

It’ll help a lot if you have photos of your husband at work. How about him smartly posed in his uniform? From here, you can slowly explain the type of job he is in and why he’s always not at home!

When it’s not out of sight, chances that it’s out of mind are reduced.

2. Daddy’s lullabies

That’s right! Even though Daddy may not be the next Singapore Idol, he can still sing sweet lullabies to his darlings. This is especially useful when you have newborns at home.

As we all know, babies are sensitive to touch and voices. Since your husband can’t be there to talk to them as often as you can, playing lullabies sung by him at night works on your newborn’s subconscious mind.

When Daddy’s back, rather than crying and feeling scared at a stranger’s touch and sound, your baby would be smiling to the familiar voice in their father’s arms.

3. Daddy and I …

I know this may sound rather troublesome, and a mouthful to say it every time. But it’s important, especially if your child is old enough to understand things.

Your child knows that Daddy is often not at home. But that doesn’t mean that their father is not involved in their lives. And they need to know this.

You can help to remind them constantly by referring to Daddy as often as needed. For example, instead of saying “Mummy loves you” say “Daddy and Mummy love you!”

When they come home from school telling you excitedly about their little achievements, tell them that “Daddy and I are so proud of you.”

This may be an insignificant gesture, but it goes a long way in imprinting the role of Daddy in your child’s mind. 

And this wraps up this series of An Army Wife’s Guide. I hope you like them and find them helpful!

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

An Army Wife’s Guide 4 – That’s What Friends Are For

The song has sung it. 

Many articles have written about and extolled the many virtues of having girl friends. And this is no different.

Except that you - an army wife - probably need even closer friends than the others. Brownie points if she is also an army wife.

Of course, no girl friend, no matter how close, can replace a husband. But never, ever underestimate the power of close friends. They provide one of the greatest values in this world, something that no money can buy.

They provide support.

They provide listening ears.

They stand on your side and gripe with you.

They make you feel that you’re not alone.

Whenever you feel that life has thrown too much for you to handle alone, you know they are there to turn to and let out your complaints. And funny thing is, it usually just get better when you have poured out your grievances, even when no solution is in sight.

Do you have these gems in your life already?

I believe that you do. Who doesn’t have one or two close friends, right?

But in the event that you don’t, due to whatever reasons (maybe you just arrived into Singapore and settled here), then don’t get disheartened. I’ve listed some easy ways here to expand your social circle, and hopefully, with good management and sincerity, you’ll be able to find yourself some real chums soon.

3 Ways to Find Friends and Build a Support Network

1. Follow the clique

I believe your husband must have a group of friends whom he hangs around more often than the rest. If he doesn’t, then ask him to invite his army colleagues – the closer ones, of course – out for a drink. Remember, your aim is to know their wives, or girlfriends. Therefore, it’ll be a night out with his close army friends plus their significant others.

Through such casual gatherings, it’s not hard to gather some clues into the lives of these army guys and the roles their wives play.

Spend some time to speak to and get to know more about each and every one of them. Do not discount anyone during the first two meetings. You never know. The girl who remains silent most of the time may turn out to be the real friend as opposed to the one who can’t keep her mouth shut for a second!
Having a clique of army wives as friends is really good for both emotional and practical reasons. I’m sure you know why.

2. Join a wife or mother’s club

I know a friend who is an Australian and married a Singaporean. When she and her husband moved back to Singapore, she was without any friends. And, to make things worse (or better?), she was pregnant then.

She joined a yoga club for mothers-to-be. And viola! Now, she has made herself some friends whom they can hang out with after class or whenever time permits and just chat about anything under the sky! The best part is, this group of mothers-to-be continue to meet up regularly after they become mothers. Their children have become best of friends too, needless to say.

If yoga is not down your alley, find something that suits you. Then go and find out if they have a class specially for mothers, or wives. Why does it have to be married women and not singles? Because chances are the singles might not be able to understand so deeply what you’re going through managing a household alone most, if not, all the time.

3. Utilise the social network

I strongly recommend Facebook. Why? Because I’m a regular user, and I’ve made a few friends through this site. Real friends, I mean. Those who give you advices when you ask for them.

In this site, there are many specialised groups available. You can search and join one that suits your interest and character. These groups constantly organise activities which you could join if you’re keen. I’m sure you’ll be able to find some friends there. Chat with them for a while, and if your intuition tells you it is safe, arrange to meet them up in person. Who knows, a true and budding friendship could just be on the way!

No man is an isolated island. We need friends. But what is friendship really? I know of people who refuse to ask favours from their friends because they hate to inconvenience others. Personally, I think you should ask for favours whenever you really need them.

That’s what friends are for, isn’t it?

Otherwise, you’ll be too overwhelmed by all the things happening that this stress will somehow find its way to create problems in your life and your relationship with your husband and family members. As an army wife, you know as well as I do that this is not a remote possibility but a highly likely one.

And when the turn comes for you to return the favour, or merely giving them one, do your best to help them out. After all, we all live on the same piece of land. So why not give each other a back rub as and when we can? 

Lastly, friendships need, like any relationships, time and effort to maintain and manage. Do not only go to your friends when you need them, and forget about them when you’re carefree and happy. You share your happiness with them, and you have them to lighten your burdens.

Sincerity goes a long, long way.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

An Army Wife’s Guide 3 – Be “US”

Are you an understanding person? Do you support your spouse wholeheartedly?

Please be and please do.

You wouldn’t be able to imagine how relieved your soldier will feel when he knows that his wife is totally supportive of him whenever he’s on a mission. He’ll also appreciate your understanding that he can’t be with you on special occasions, unlike your girlfriends who have their partners by their sides.

Speaking of being understanding and supportive, I am reminded of the army’s deep involvement in bringing Singapore out of the SARS crisis.

I’m not sure if all the army wives had been supportive of their husbands when they were deployed to fight that battle against such a strong and infectious virus. What I’m pretty certain is, if they hadn’t been supportive, the morale of our army would be affected, and this, wouldn’t be good news as far as a nation is concerned.

That was such a harrowing experience for everyone. The anxiety and worries practically put the whole of Singapore on her toes. Rules and regulations to contain the spread of the virus were laid out swiftly and executed almost flawlessly. There was no time for any hesitation, and our army delivered with precision and efficiency.

The speed at which Singapore pulled through that episode was to me, very impressive and laudable.

But, as with any operation, success doesn’t come from one end only. It has to be a concerted effort. Every citizen has a role to play in nation-wide crises. While the army provides the infrastructure to overcome the crisis, the families form the support pillar for them – morally and mentally. 

I believe with the unwavering support of their wives, parents and children (if they’re old enough), these army guys would be able to fully focus on the rescue work and not feel guilty that there weren’t with their loved ones. Indeed, support from family can’t be any more emphasised. 

Facing with crises like the SARS episode and going overseas to provide aid for disaster-struck countries like the Sichuan earthquake, the army is treading on paths filled with lots of unknown. Nobody would know what would happen, but our soldiers couldn’t reject the deployment just because there was danger involved, could they?

Being away from their families, and away from you, is not something the army guys are happy about. Missing their kids’ first steps and first words don’t make them proud too. Coming home from a long absence and having to let the children get used to a stranger-like daddy make them miss you and the family even more.

Therefore, to let them have a peaceful mind when abroad, please be Understanding. Please be Supportive too, safe or not regardless. We know this is probably the hardest, and that’s why the army and their families deserve our utmost respect to be honoured.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

An Army Wife’s Guide 2 – Ask, and You Shall Receive

In this second post of this series, I’d like to talk about this very useful tactic that women can use to get what they want, when they’re willing to use it. 

Ask, and you shall receive.

Is it that easy? Yes it is.

The trick comes when women find it hard to ask.

Women love that their men can dive into their minds and know what they want. This makes them feel special. As a woman, I certainly know how that feels. Hence, we like to refrain from asking our men for things and resort to drop hints here and there, subtly.

When subtle hints fail, we make it more obvious. When that fails too, we give blatant hints. Only when blatant ones fail too then we have no choice but to either give up what we desire, or ask. At this stage, even when we do get what we are after, the gift has lost its special appeal because we had asked for it, instead of our partners knowing that we like it and got it for us on his own accord. For this unique reason, women don’t really enjoy asking their partners for something they want.

Yes, women can be such troublesome creatures.

However, if you are an army wife, then I’m afraid this is a skill that you have to start using more and more. 

Why?

Because you are married to a man who doesn’t have the luxury of time like others who might. As such, by letting them guess what your heart desires not only make them miserable, it doesn’t bring you joy either. Lose-lose situation. Not nice.

On the other hand, by being open and specific about what you would like to have and learning to enjoy the pleasure of receiving it from your spouse makes both of you happy as can be. It relieves him the added stress of having to guess what is in your mind, and it provides you a chance to be loved and pampered in exactly the way you wish. Win-win situation. Nice!

Isn’t it also lovely to know you can ask for anything? For example, it can be 30 minutes of his time, uninterrupted, a body massage, a phone call from him daily, a special gift on your coming wedding anniversary, mopping the floor when he’s at home etc.

How to ask then? You can start by asking like this: “Honey, I feel that I haven’t got the chance to chit chat with you without any interruptions, and you know I really miss those times when we did. Would you give me 30 minutes of your time this week, totally uninterrupted? I would appreciate that very much.” See, it’s easy!

Remember your tonality when asking: It is a request, not a demand. Hence, make it gentle yet firm.

I do this with my hubby very often too, because although he isn’t in the army, his career takes up almost all of his waking time.

Ladies, tell yourself that it isn’t that your husband can’t read your mind. It’s just that they really might be too tired to do so. If you are newly wed, asking directly actually helps to shorten the time for you and your spouse to know each other’s likes and dislikes. In no time, you’d have developed the kind of chemistry as if you’ve been married for 10 years or more. 

And shouldn’t you rejoice at the fact that you’re such a confident woman who dares to ask for what you want without feeling like you’re needy?

Last but not least, please ask for things that you know your husband has the ability to provide. Don’t ask for the moon and think you’d at least get the stars – both are impossible. Requests have to be reasonable, remember. 

If you still insist that you’ll only feel special when he can guess your mind accurately, then think about it this way: don’t you feel loved when your husband bothers to do something to please you, when he could have used that time to do other things for himself?

Help him to help you and your marriage. It’s worth it. Test it out! 

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

A Sleepy Post

It is happening again. As I lay there, my eyes feeling sleepy and heavy, my mind is full of activities. I turn and look at my hubby deep in sleep. His face is one of contentment and enjoyment. I wish I can see how I look like now – when insomnia has hit me again.

Well, not really insomnia; maybe just facing a bit of difficulty going to sleep.

You see, my mind has a habitual pattern, a bad one really. When it comes to bed time (as dictated by the heaviness of my eyelids), my brain suddenly becomes very active. Phrases, words, tunes, images – you name it, I have it all in my mind. It’s always at this awkward time that I can think of stories to write. Why???

I did a quick Google on “chronic sleeping problems” and viola! All the problems associated with having an innocent, undisturbed 6 hours of sleep pop up on my screen eagerly. I read through some of them and became – depressed.

I think I’m supposed to be, right? After all, most of the problems are associated with some psychiatric issues. I decided to zoom into the area where it hurts me most – insomnia.

Viola! Another list of mental health disorders stare at me blankly. Let me name some: anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, ADHD, post-traumatic stress disorder, brain injuries so on and so forth.

What? Am I suffering from depression? Wait! I’m still drooling over the simplest dish in this world (my mum’s fried egg), enjoying my moments with my family and friends, and doing a job that I’m loving every minute!

Or maybe it’s anxiety. Yes, I guess that’s right. I’m anxious to sleep when I want to, and not getting.

Or maybe bipolar. Well, my mood does swing from being nonchalant to slightly excited to slightly more enthused than slightly excited.

So, what’s the problem with me?

I wish I knew.

Aha! It must be my hubby – he falls into sleep too fast! Therefore, in contrast, the rate at which I drift into dreamland becomes slow, in fact, snail-crawling s.l.o.w.

Now that I’ve found my problem, I need to get a solution. Since my brain is only active during bedtime, I’ll leave it till then to fix it.

Aha! There it is – the crux of my issue has surfaced!

But, in the words of this Chinese doctor I’ve been seeing lately, none of these reasons are the real one. “It’s your health!” he’d say. “So, take these powders home and stop thinking so much. I’ll take care of your sleep.”

Now, that kinda eases my anxiety a bit, doesn’t it? 

Thanks for reading this sleepy post, if it makes you so.

May you have deep and a restful sleep every night. 

Friday, August 21, 2009

An Army Wife’s Guide 1 – Independence Days

In my previous post, I wrote about the challenges to be married to an army guy. Over the next few posts, I’ll give some tips on how to be a “good” wife so that you can have a lasting and happy marriage amidst the challenging environment of your man’s career.

This series of articles is meant for the eyes of these army wives. If you are an army personnel reading this, you may like to email her a copy or print it out and read it with her together!

To begin, the first trait that I’m going to talk about is what will make you, the army wife, a superwoman.

Independence days

Being the wife to a very busy man, I know how it is like to live mostly alone in a marriage. Understandably, an army’s wife probably carries a heavier burden on her shoulders.

When the little ones arrive, while she has more company, she too has to meet the increased demands of the family on her.

Nothing short of an independent woman can perform this role well. 

So, what if you’re not an independent person? How can you learn this crucial life-surviving skill?

I suggest to take it in stages, though I know at times, life doesn’t give us the luxury of time. Nevertheless, learning how to prioritise your time is the first step to being independent. 

Then, learn how to be organised. With these two life skills, it is more than half the battle won. There are many resources like books or courses that teach people how to be organised and efficient. 

The reason why having to do everything (or most things) ourselves appears to be very overwhelming is because we don’t know how to make the best and full use of time. 

But, when we are organised and we know how to prioritise the tasks, we are in control – the key secret to being independent. 

Recognise and acknowledge that you are someone with the ability to do a lot of things, even though you may not be aware at the current stage yet. But, place complete trust in yourself that when the time arises, you will be able to function very well.

You may be having some grave doubts about this tip. Of course, merely believing that you are capable of being independent doesn’t mean you will be overnight. However, just imagine if you don’t believe that you can be, or worse, believe that you’ll never be independent no matter how hard you learn to be. Do you think you’ll ever learn to be independent? The answer is - no. 

Beliefs programme our unconscious mind.  Hence, by installing a positive and empowering belief like “I am capable of being independent”, you are telling your subconscious mind to prepare to release your potential to be so.

Compare this to the belief “I will never be independent no matter how hard I try!” or “I just can’t!” Can you feel the immediate difference to your state of mind?

I believe that all of us can be independent, and the fact that some of us aren’t is because we lack the opportunity to be. I remember my friends and family getting very worried when they knew I would be flying to Hong Kong to work. How could I ever survive away from home, alone?

I didn’t know I could too, but I could. I survived very well in fact. Granted I had to learn many things which I didn’t have to do previously (thanks to dearest mummy!), I appreciate having the excellent chance for me to realise I can be independent, if I choose to!

Oh by the way, being independent doesn’t mean you have to do everything in the family yourself. It only means you have the capability to do it, but you need not have to be the do-it-all. Sharing responsibilities with your husband is still a must, because you are not alone in the marriage.

Being independent doesn’t mean being alone – you are not.

Watch out for the next post where I’ll talk about being understanding. 

Friday, August 14, 2009

The Women Who Wash The Uniforms

Typhoon Morakot has taken many lives, and many more are still waiting to be saved. Disasters of such magnitude mean rescue missions ought to be at least of the same size, or preferably, even bigger. That means – a large number of people and material supplies are needed.

Where do these people come from? Who are they?

They are from the military – the army, the navy and the air force.

These local heroes brave the danger and head off to wherever they are needed. They protect our country and defend it from being invaded by ill-intentioned outsiders. They are always prepared to lay their lives for the country in the event of an attack. 

And, they are like you and me – with a family.

Marriages that involve military personnel are challenging for all parties. Husbands who are away most of the time miss their wives and children. Wives who are left alone most of the time need to be exceptionally independent. They have to be fully supportive of their men who are carrying a larger burden on their shoulders than any ordinary man on the street.

Many a time, their husbands might not be there during their pregnancy. Their birthdays, anniversaries could be spent without their partners. They have to constantly answer their children’s questions like “Why is Daddy always not around? Where did Daddy go? I want my Daddy!”

They have to be on their toes all the time, for they never know when their men have to be deployed to a faraway place again.

The role an army’s wife plays is as critical as the role an army guy plays. Managing and making sure the family functions well helps to ease the soldier’s anxiety and allows him to truly focus on his job. She is like the line holding up a necklace of pearls – without her, he might have difficulty blending into the family each time he’s away for a long while, especially when the baby is growing up rapidly into a toddler and find their father’s face suddenly strange to them.

Whenever my hubby travels for work, I’d pray for his safety and health. Nothing matters to me than to have him back home, safe and sound. And he’s only gone for days, at times, weeks. 

Therefore, I can imagine how much more anxious these wives are when their military husbands get deployed overseas for an extended period. 

It’s tough being an army’s wife, and I wonder if our society even knows of this group of women sacrificing themselves for the sake of our nation.

Behind every successful man is a woman. I think, behind every soldier is a great, loving wife. 

But, we all know that things aren’t rosy all the time and for all couples. Those who can’t withstand the stress find themselves running into problems as conflicts expand, made worse by a lack of communication. 

In the next few posts, I’ll touch on some ways that’ll hopefully lighten up the atmosphere and bring the wife and the guy in the uniform closer in their marriage. 

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

The Blind Leading The Blind

It was a bright, warm and sunny day. I alighted from the bus and scanned my surroundings, looking for my destination.

It was a warm, and as such, probably sunny day and hence bright. He alighted from the bus and felt his surroundings, searching for his destination.

Our paths wouldn’t have crossed if I didn’t turn my head to look at him. He was still feeling his way, but apparently, he had came to a standstill. Moving his cane in a left right direction, he was “stuck” between two stretches of metallic seats.

Stopping for a while, I made a quick decision in my mind – to help or not to help. Help, was the swift answer. Immediately, I walked towards him and asked, “Uncle, where do you want to go?”

“Coffeeshop, at Blk 732.”

“Ok, come let me bring you there.” I put my arm on his and gently led the way.

He followed.

“I’m going there to eat chicken rice,” he told me.

“Oh, is it very nice?” I asked.

“Yah, it’s my favourite. I like the chicken rice there.”

We strolled towards the direction of the coffee shop, and he said, “From here, it’s about twenty to thirty steps.”

I stopped breathing for a second, and this thought jumped into my mind instantly: “Oh, that’s how the blind look for their way!”

After I brought him to the coffee shop, I asked if he wanted me to place the order for him. He shook his head, and a guy walked to us and asked him what he wanted to eat. “Chicken rice,” he replied. This guy, who looked like he worked in one of the stalls there, told me he’d bring him to his seat.

The blind man turned towards me and said: “It’s okay now. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” I smiled. He would have felt it, even if he couldn’t see my smile, wouldn’t he?

Few days after, I saw the interview of Kelvin Tan (Chen Wei Lian) on Channel U. This blind singer who shot to stardom after winning the first Project Superstar contest actually loves travelling! And he had been to Genting several times, always placing himself in front his favourite “hobby” – jackpot.

From him, I found out that they would count the number of doors after turning from the lift to get to their hotel room. But he didn’t get to explain how do they play the jackpot when they can’t see? Aren’t they worried that they’ll be cheated? Or do they just play for fun’s sake? According to him, most of the time he lost money. And I think I know why. 

That short encounter with the blind man gave me quite a shock and a good lesson learnt.

A blind is considered as visually handicapped. Yet, that handicap didn’t deter them from doing things they like – taking a bus to a certain coffeeshop away from home just to have a plate of chicken rice; leaving the familiarity and safety of home just to have a feel of the air and atmosphere out of Singapore.

They can achieve what I can achieve, though they can’t see what I can see. Yet, they do it nonetheless.

How many of us are worried of failure, of losing the way, of being cheated, of losing face that we daren’t even step out of our comfort zone and venture into the foreign world?

How many of us pay attention to other people’s needs by observing them using our eyes when we could?

Thinking of this, I can’t help but feel that I, on certain occasions, could be considered as blind too.

I thank that blind man for giving me such a sweet lesson on life. After I sent him to the coffee shop, I had to ask for directions twice to get to where I wanted to go. Simply because, I had alighted at the wrong stop.

I think, if life wants to give us a lesson, it will. Even if it means you alight at the wrong stop the second round - meaning to say, you make the same mistake twice. 

Monday, August 10, 2009

Singapore – Then and Now

TODAY held a very meaningful contest, I thought.

In celebration of Singapore’s 44th birthday, the newspaper had a photo contest that best showcased Singapore then, and now.

As I reminisced my own childhood looking at others’ from the photos submitted by our fellow Singaporeans, I had this thought: “How wonderful to be born in the 70s.”

Indeed, those who were born in the 70s have, in my opinion, the best of both worlds. We journeyed through Singapore’s progress and changes. Many of us had that luxury (now we call it luxury!) to live in a kampong, before we had a taste of how it was like to squeeze the whole family in a small pigeon-hole like flat.

When pagers came, we were old enough to use the technology, and at the ripe age to be hip about it. We were in school.

Shortly, those big brick-like mobile phones emerged when we’re either finishing school or just started working – which means, we could afford it! Now, we’re all holding phones smaller than our palm. Then, mobile phone usage was rather expensive. Hence, many of us used it only to return phone calls when our pagers beeped. Mobiles were mostly in the off-mode. Once in a blue moon when we actually got through someone’s mobile, it was a cause for excitement!

We witnessed the cleaning up of the Singapore River, and when Boat Quay became a happening place to hang around, our wallets happened to have enough cash to afford having long dinners by the sparkling riverside.

In short, we weren’t born into a world where technology was blooming. We walked through it as it was developing. We awed when TV was still in black and white, and our eyes popped out when special effects started to appear in the square screen that accompanied the whole family most of the evenings through the night. There wasn’t any other form of entertainment available then.

By the time computers were invented, we were in our primary school, ready to take one more step ahead into our bright future. Now we have laptops. 

As these thoughts flowed through my mind, I began to wonder: What will the kids of today have to compare and reminisce? What’s the world going to be like in another 40 years’ time?

Will they find what we have now old-fashioned? I’m sure they would, at the same time, I doubt these old fashions will have a tinge of yellow - the kind of yellow that only real black and white photos (not a camera setting!) can bring.

I’m really glad to be born in that generation.

And I’m really thankful for all that Singapore has given me.

Happy birthday Singapore!